Reasons We Don't Listen
Posted: Thursday, October 08, 2009
by Nancy Travers
Nancy's Counseling Corner
In order for you to have a successful relationship with your significant other, it's important to listen to the other person. And I mean not just by nodding your head and saying, "Yes, dear." You need to actually listen to the other person and take in what they are saying. So many relationships fail because one person doesn't feel like their opinions or thoughts matter or that one person assumes what the other one is thinking.
As you probably know, listening is a skill that all of us can make stronger. Most of us don't listen to everything all of the time and here several reasons why we choose not to listen:
Reasons Why We Don't Listen
- Listening is hard work; when we really listen to the message our heart rate goes up and our breathing quickens. It's a lot easier to space out when someone is speaking and think about what we're going to say next or what we're going to eat for dinner.
- Human beings can understand speech a lot faster than we can actually speak. (600 to 150 words per minute). But instead of thinking about you, focus on the other person and figure out what they're trying to tell you.
- It's easier to jump to conclusions instead of rerouting our brain to make sure our spouse's message made it home. Try not to assume what the other person is saying by actively listening and honing in on all parts of their message.
- If we're preoccupied it's lot easier to act polite and think that we're doing our spouse a favor by "listening" to them instead of telling our spouse that we can't listen to them right now.
- In our hectic, Twitter/Facebook culture, we so inundated with messages that we tune out the people whom we see every day and have a direct impact on our lives: our spouse, children, boss, co-workers and parents. Again, don't let your mind wander if your spouse or child talks to you. Be in the moment and give this important person your full attention.
- We have too many distractions in our lives: the radio, iPod, TV, and computer. If you know you wander during conversations, tune down the TV's volume so you can hear everything that the other person is saying to start processing it.
So how do we listen better? Here are a few tips that you can incorporate today:
- If your partner is long-winded, extract the central idea from their message and repeat it back to them.
- Asking questions helps you figure out the complexities of the message and it also shows the other person that you value and care about them!
- Take notes if your spouse is sharing complex issues with you. You can then circle on the paper what's confusing to you so you can ask for more information.
- Clarify your feelings with this active listening feedback sentence:
This sentence structure prevents you from starting your sentence with "I" or "you" and putting the other person immediately on the defensive.
Above all, practice your listening skills daily. You can practice your listening by eavesdropping on people at the grocery store or at the post office. Once you figure out what they are saying, take the next moment to jot down what they said. If you combine your listening skills with writing, you'll be that much more prepared when you're asked to respond or offer feedback.
Active listening is a skill all of us can use when visiting the doctor, getting our car fixed, or talking on the phone with our clients. Make a difference in your relationship today by flexing a new muscle.
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Top-level comments on this article: (9 total)Hi Nancy.Great article! Good advice. But it assumes that people actually do want to communicate. I'm just not sure that is always the case. :) I can't tell you the times I've answered the phone, told the person on the other end that I'm not interested and they just keep talking anyway. Okay, that's probably a bad example. People have to be really motivated to listen properly. Maybe you could try an article about all the benefits to listening well. I know you said that it is essential to having a good relationship, but why?Thanks for writing this. It is well presented. Welcome to SearchWarp.Dianne
Great article Nancy! My grandmother use to tell me that you have two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk --- I suppose she was expounding the virtues of listening better. Grandma would have liked this! Thanks and welcome to SearchWarp.
Hi Nancy welcome to searchwarp and loved your article. Never have been a good listerner myself unless what I am being told is worth listening too. I think this might be one of the reasons I don't listen much and ofen called ignorant for it (lol)Keep wellKacy
Hi Nancy.Welcome to Searchwarp!Great article. It is good to be reminded. Thanks for sharing.Best to you and yours.Nenita
Hello Everyonethank you for the welcome and comments on the article. I t is appreciated. Edward, my grandmother use to say the same thing to me...hmmmm.thanks againnancy
I really like this article. Thanks for writing it. It is true. Someone once told me. "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth."Sincerely,Gwendolyn Goldsmith
HI GwendolynThank you for your feedback on the article. I am laughing at the cotton analogy, I may need to borrow that.Thank you againNancy
Very well put! I have a most extraordinary relationship with my fiance. I feel that a great part of our successful relationship is the fact that we appreciate each others input and allow each other to share our feelings with each other. That means while one person is talking, we actively engage in listening to what they have to say. Many relationship problems start when we provide a deaf ear to what they need, feel or want.Again, great article!- G
Hi GabrielThank you for your feedback and compliments!!Nancy
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