Interviewing For a Long-term Relationship
Posted: Monday, November 09, 2009
by Nancy Travers
Nancy's Counseling Corner
It's always fun to start a new relationship - there's energy, excitement and endless possibility! You may like all of this change and you may even think you can fix your date to make him or her perfect. At this early stage in the relationship, you're ignoring the bad things, and focusing on only the good. But, wait a minute! If you're not into casual sex and you want a long-term relationship, you need to take a deep breath and "interview" your new date for the position of long-term mate. You also need to keep in the mind that on the first couple of dates, people are always on their best behavior. So before you get serious with one person, go out with many people on three to five dates to consider their qualifications to determine if they match up with your beliefs and goals.
1. Observe how your date handles alcohol and if there's any mention of alcohol dependency issues.
2. Ask him or her what their goals are and what their priorities are: children, work, sports, etc.
3. How is their "customer service"? Do they call you/email in a timely manner? Watch out if they are texting you or calling you too often. On the other hand, if they are trying to reach you, do they check all of your numbers, or do they take steps to call you and leave a message knowing you're not there to pick it up?
4. Does this person volunteer or involve themselves in the community at large? If yes, then this person wants to be involved in something larger than themselves.
5. Does this person want to have sex with you right away? If yes, then you need to tell them you want to slow down. If they leave, then they weren't right for you anyway.
6. And above all, do their words and actions match? If you are dating online, does the person use a current profile picture that shows his/her face without blurriness?
7. How does this person communicate? Do they curse a lot? Do they ask you questions or do they do most of the talking? Do you feel safe talking to them? Do you like their sense of humor or does it bug you that they are too sarcastic or tease you too much?
Dating can be a fun experience, but it also can be loaded with fear. The best thing to do is to take your time, stay in the present moment and use your intuition to get to know your potential long-term partner.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Good article Nancy, which I believe points out the Trojan horses of any relationship, which are attachment, clinging, control, delusion (temporary hypnosis and insanity), dependency, and "what's in this for me."
Best.............e
HI EThank you for the feedback on the article, it is appreciated!!BestNancy
Good job..excellent advise.....I had the one who laughed at everything I said. We seemed alike in so many ways . A perfect match. I thought.
We did get involved sexually pretty fast. Mutual attraction.
I thought we talked about everything. She with held a secret she thought she could "deal" with that was a concern for her early on. The fact that I did not have the resources she needed to have a long term relationship and live the life she desired. She failed to communicate that to me until too late.
Thus out of the blue after we were deeply involved she dumped me very unexpectedly after she realized I was truly not the"one".
We are in our mid 50's by the way.
I can not emphasize real COMMUNICATION to avoid hurts before a relationship goes "over the edge" physically.
Thanks Nancy, I wish I had followed your "interview"
HelloThank you for the feedback on the article. I am sorry to hear of your recent experience and hurt. I hope this article will help you in your dating adventures.Best Nancy
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