Nancy Travers

Why Are Today’s Singles Staying Single?



Posted: Friday, March 19, 2010

by Nancy Travers
Nancy's Counseling Corner

Look around you: How many of your friends are single? Are you single? According to WebMD.com, singles are the fastest growing population in the US. The majority of Americans will spend the largest part of their adult lives being single. We are becoming known as the "unhooked generation" according to Jillian Straus who has recently published a book on why we are choosing to stay single. Straus writes, "Today, romance and commitment are a foreign land to us. We are searching for love in an uncommitted world."

But are we really all that uncommitted? And if so, why? Could it be the fear of settling down or settling for "second best"? The book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb raised a storm of protest when it was published, as did her earlier article the book was based on. Gottlieb argues that women shouldn't be holding out for "Mr. Right" but should just hook up with "Mr. Good Enough." Why waste your life on useless dates and meaningless flings, always thinking that your prince is around the corner, when you can settle for someone who ticks most of the boxes and isn't too bad. "There are so many really wonderful men out there, men who want commitment, who want to be married, who are attractive and smart and interesting," Gottlieb says. "They may not be movie-star attractive, they may be awkward at first, they may not fit our cultural image of who Mr. Right or who Prince Charming is. But we shouldn't pass them up." Some commentators have declared her theory common sense, others insist that it extinguishes romance and the dream of a happy future.

Are women too picky? Do they have unrealistic expectations? Do men? Maybe the media is to blame for all this idealizing of love and meeting "the one." Every other romantic comedy seems to be about meeting Mr. Right, through chance, luck or whatever you want to call it. The message is, it can happen to you too! And the gossip magazines portray the cooing couples in their homes, oozing romance from every pore. But they are just as quick to announce the breakdown of a relationship and list every fault on both sides, judging and pointing fingers. If Brad and Jen couldn't make it, what hope do the rest of us have? The pressure of finding "the one" makes every person you meet a possibility. That is a lot of pressure for every five-minute encounter at a networking function or at the local coffee shop.

We no longer live in the large, family-orientated community our parents did. We are less likely to attend the sort of social events that they did, and be introduced to "that nice young man" or that "lovely girl" who lives in the neighborhood. Many people now meet their soul mate while engaged in a professional context, either in the office or at a work social event. With unemployment levels at the highest in years maybe this is just another factor that is preventing people from "hooking up". A secondary result of the job loss is being unable to meet mortgage/rental payments and therefore moving back in with your parents. How are you supposed to meet Mr. or Ms. Right if you are living at home and don't have a job? Do you even want to commit to a relationship in that situation? The increase in the number of online dating agencies over the last five years proves that there is a market for people who are finding it difficult to meet people.

Of course, there may be positive reasons as to why today's singles are staying single. It gives you the freedom to do what you want, when you want to. Women used to be the driving force behind the need for marriage and long term relationships, but the advent of feminism and with it better pay, the ability to control our finances, and make our own choices mean that women don't have to "settle" for marriage in order to become "independent." There is no longer the stigma of being the old maid. Women want to focus on their careers and commit to further education.

Whether by choice or not, it's hard to be single these days with everyone wanting so much out of a relationship. Perhaps it would be a good thing to just relax, nurture yourself and your interests, and be open to making new acquaintances and friends. What will be will be, as my grandmother used to say.

Nancy Travers, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, specializes in all types of relationships; dating, existing relationships, family relationships, and relationships with friends and business relationships. She also helps her clients overcome anxiety and depression through talk therapy as well as through hypnosis. What sets her apart from many other counselors is that she has counseled in the gay/lesbian community for over 10 years. She also has experience counseling families with elder care issues. Nancy has been in practice for over 19 years and can provide you with the tools you need to approach dating and relationships with confidence.

This Article has been viewed 417 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
No comments yet.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.