Home » Jealousy—Good Or Bad? How It Affects Our Relationships

Jealousy—Good Or Bad? How It Affects Our Relationships

Posted: Sunday, October 31, 2010

by Nancy Travers
Nancy's Counseling Corner

Most of us feel jealousy at one time or another. For some, it is a very strong emotion, and others may let jealousy consume them. The feeling can be justified at times, but often is not. When jealousy plays a big part in a romantic relationship, it is often accompanied by control issues. Extreme jealousy might include controlling everything their partner does, goes, and who they see, and can even lead to violence.

Unjustified jealousy can become an addiction. This occurs when one partner assumes the worst every time the other partner leaves their side. They get upset, then like the way it feels when they are assured of how much they are loved. Eventually, this can turn into a situation where accusations are made only to satisfy their need for reassurance. The unjustly charged partner may be patient at first, but will ultimately tire of having to constantly defend themselves. This may lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy; since they're being accused anyway, why not do it?

Insecurity is usually at the root of jealousy. We may be worried our partner will leave us for someone better looking, smarter, richer, or just plain superior. Look at the reasons for your jealousy. Are they because of things your partner does or doesn't do? Do they stem from past experiences/relationships? Take the time to analyze your feelings and then have a serious discussion with your partner about your conclusions.

Are You Jealous?

Without a good reason for your jealousy, you should avoid dwelling on your feelings to your partner. Jealousy often exists until trust is developed. You may want to remember that they chose to be with YOU; don't cause them to regret their choice by constantly accusing them. They must have found something in you that attracted them to you and unless you push them away with your jealousy, they will probably keep on loving you.
Avoid feeling or speaking negatively about yourself. Self confidence is much more attractive. Remind yourself to think positively when negative feelings arise; it will eventually develop into a habit (i.e. fake it til you make it)
Don't try to control the relationship; you are setting yourself up for failure. Either they are going to cheat anyway, or you will drive them away.
Be a true friend who is more than just the person they love. If you and your partner like just being together, then the relationship will be grow strong and your feelings of jealousy will disappear.
Heal yourself. Someone who was abandoned or cheated on in the past may continue to be affected by the experience. Forgive your ex- and yourself, and move forward. Give up the past before it ruins your present.
Trust your partner and yourself. Be confident that you are able to choose a partner who wouldn't intentionally hurt you. Believe that you can handle whatever happens. Relationships involve risk. If you live in fear that your mate will leave or cheat, you will drive the person you love away. Jealousy causes you to appear controlling and unattractive.

Few things can kill a relationship faster than jealousy. It is a fear-based emotion that affects one's perspective on everything. If you find yourself dealing with jealousy in your relationship, it probably has more to do with you than your partner. Jealousy lives in all people to some degree. The best way to conquer it is from the inside. Make up your mind to not be jealous until you have a good reason. Decide that this is the way you are going to be. Replace old habits with newer ones; ultimately, both you and your partner will be happier.

Nancy Travers, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, specializes in all types of relationships; dating, existing relationships, family relationships, and relationships with friends and business relationships. She also helps her clients overcome anxiety and depression through talk therapy as well as through hypnosis. What sets her apart from many other counselors is that she has counseled in the gay/lesbian community for over 10 years. She also has experience counseling families with elder care issues. Nancy has been in practice for over 19 years and can provide you with the tools you need to approach dating and relationships with confidence.

This Article has been viewed 368 times. (Not updated in real-time.)

No comments yet.

We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.