Gray Divorce: The End of the Decades Long Marriage
Posted: Friday, August 19, 2011
by Nancy Travers
Nancy's Counseling Corner
Divorce is a common occurrence in American society. As many of us watch our friends get married, or even as we prepare to marry ourselves, we hear that nearly half of American marriages end in divorce. The statistics are slightly better than the coin-toss that popular statistics would have us believe. Time Magazine suggests that 57 percent of married Americans actually see their fifteenth wedding anniversary. After being married for so long, we assume that the relationship has hit smooth sailing, and that “’til death do us part” is inevitable. However, a recent trend in American marriages could shatter that image.
Increased vitality and lifespan may be helping us to live long, fulfilling lives, but how is this impacting the American marriage? Professor Pepper Schwartz of the University of Washington suggests, “Staying in exactly the same relationship to one another is a very hard thing to maintain every decade. People think you only get closer over time, but that’s not necessarily true.” Our personalities do not stop developing in our thirties, and our goals and desires do not expire then either. With more years of freedom and active living, many couples are looking for ways to fulfill their needs and reach their personal goals.
At earlier points in our history, divorce was not as well accepted in society. Even after dissolved marriages became more common, many couples felt that if they had been married for three decades or more, there was no point in dissolving the marriage; they didn’t want their golden years plagued with legal and emotional turmoil. Now, couples who end their marriage in their golden years are able to remain more active, achieve life goals that may have been put off in favor of married life, and even find new partners that are more suited to their personality and desires.
Many of these gray divorces begin and end rather mildly. With time, couples grow apart and part amicably. Many marriages seem to slowly wind down throughout the years. While the couple may have had great experiences together at one point, they may feel that they have been little more than roommates for a decade or more. Eventually, the urge to accomplish and experience may overwhelm their complacency. The husband may decide it’s time to move across country, while the wife determines that she wants to start a business in the empty space that she drives by every day. Children and friends may be shocked by the seemingly sudden separation, but the partners often feel that the only major difference is their living situation.
Another factor that doesn’t hurt the rising rates of gray divorce is the financial freedom of women. The days when women were completely dependent on their husbands is long gone. The women who are coming out of a gray divorce experience something that their mothers and grandmothers likely only dreamed of: financial independence. The generation that is now old enough to experience these late life divorces is the first in which women were truly expected to work and earn their own living. They have work experience, skills, and knowledge, and often still hold a job or have a means to support them that doesn’t truly require a husband or partner’s supplement. These women have a sense of independence and are comfortable in control. It’s hardly a surprise that women are initiating these divorces! According to a study by the AARP, 66% of participants reported that it was the wife that initiated their gray divorce.
But the question still remains: If the couple has been growing apart for so long, why wait? Do they stay for comfort? Familiarity? Stability? Many of the new gray divorce singles report that it was nothing so simple. The majority admit that they persevered through years of dissatisfaction for the sake of their children! Both men and women felt that waiting until their children had left home and settled in their own lives would make the divorce easier for everyone involved.
Of course, divorce is sometimes difficult. Even people who leave their partner’s amicably may find that adjusting to a new lifestyle or finding a new partner is more difficult than they once believed. During this adjustment period, gray divorce singles may find that they are soothed by talking to friends and throwing themselves into new passions. However, if this is not enough to cope with all aspects of the new lifestyle, a counselor can help new singles work through their fears and gain confidence.
This Article has been viewed 582 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)its sad- each wedding and marriage starts out with the best of intentions
sometimes its selfishness of our generation which causes the troubles
Othertimes its really no one's fault - including sickness and mental illnesses
its all very sadTo Horace
thank you for your comment. I appreciate the feedback.
Thank you
Nancy
Nancy, this is a good and sadly, accurate article. But with all the excuses, I honestly do not see how people can live together happily even for 10 years and then just call it quits.
My wife and I will chalk up 56 years on the 23 of this December and neither of us have ever considered divorce. I loved her from day one and love her more today than then. I even pray that she will outlive me because I can't bear the thought of life without her. Perhaps that is selfishness, but I think she could handle it better than I could.HI Joel
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my article. I am happy to hear about your successful 56 years of marriage. I agree it so sad to see any marriage end but especially a long term marriage. I would love to hear your input on how you have made your marriage work for 56 years and how you keep the love going.
thank you again for your comment.
nancy
Well, Nancy, I just don't know how to describe our relationship. We had squabbles early on, especially when the children were small, but never violent. We still have disagreements but none have ever caused me to think less of her. Ours is a love as one loves their mother or siblings.
The only thing that I can think of is I was 25 and she was 21 when we married and divorce was never considered an option for either. But our love has always been much deeper than simply sexual attraction. We really didn't do anything special to strengthen our relationship. But one thing also, we've always done everything possible, together. Neither of us had our "nights out" or anything like that, except with the other. We are still at one anothers sides everywhere we go. I worry if she is gone somewhere with one of our childen, and she worries if I go to Walmart without her.
We did not plan these things, they just came naturally. I am happy when I have her at my side and she is also. I give God the credit for our contentment.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.