Nancy Travers

Never Again: How to Stop Repeating Negative Patterns



Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012

by Nancy Travers
Nancy's Counseling Corner

Do you often find yourself wondering: Why do I keep repeating the same thing, over and over? Most people will admit that it is very simple to fall into a routine. Our brains are hardwired to repeat the same actions over and over; it’s a mechanism that allows us to go through life without additional stress. Some routines are great! If you find yourself at the gym each day after work, or find that you can’t help but share your thoughts and feelings in a relationship—these are likely good patterns. However, many of us are also the victims of negative patterns as well.

If you do find yourself wondering, “Why do I always fall for the wrong guy?” or “Why do I always feel taken advantage of?” it is likely time to re-evaluate your patterns. Many of our patterns, especially those that deal with relationships, are founded by the dynamics of our early life. Patterns emerge from the ways that we cope with our situation. For example, people who dealt with bullying as a child may have learned to be quiet and to acquiesce quickly. This may translate to an inability to speak out in meetings at work, or agreeing to take on too many projects at once. Women who have trouble finding a suitable partner may find themselves attracted to emotionally unavailable prospects who recreate their early relationships with parents.

Breaking these negative patterns is important to creating healthy relationships and gaining mental wellness and confidence. The process of breaking these negative patterns must begin with self-awareness. Before you can correct a behavior, you must first identify the behavior and your triggers. Here are a few tips to identify and begin correcting your own negative patterns:

· Work on identifying your negative patterns: Think about your behaviors. What do you feel are the bad habits or the undesirable routines that you fall into? Try to be as specific as possible when you think on this. Identify “I tend to be involved in relationships with poor communication,” rather than “My relationships never work out.” If you have trouble identifying exactly where things go wrong, enlist a close friend to help you analyze your habits and patterns.

· Take time to think about each of these patterns: Once you have identified the pattern or patterns that you would like to break, examine each one individually. How long have you been falling into this pattern? Do you know when it started? Remember that many of our negative patterns have been with us for a long time. Work on identifying their beginning, and handling the emotions that each of these carries. If you have trouble dealing with this alone, you may consider working with a professional counselor.

· Examine your triggers: We fall into our negative patterns when we are met with certain situations. These situations, and sometimes the people involved with them, are triggers. A trigger can be anything from a project meeting at work to an individual with certain characteristics. Identifying the common factors in your patterns can help you to avoid falling into them again.

· Adjust your attitude towards your actions and your environment: Once you are aware of the actions that you are trying to avoid, you can work to break your habits. Try to remain very aware of your natural reactions to situations. For example, if you find yourself in a relationship with poor communication, and you usually allow yourself to remain quiet about your needs, pay attention to any triggers. If you feel that your needs aren’t being met, or that you are unsure about where the relationship stands—speak up! You will also want to be aware of your environment. We can control the situation that we put ourselves in, and the people that we choose to be around. Avoid people and situations that help to propel you into negative patterns.

· Consider each of your new options: Of course, not everything in life can be controlled. To break negative patterns, you will have to face some of your triggers. Instead of falling back into your natural habit, carefully consider each action and choice before you make it; avoid your gut reaction when these common situations arise.

If you find that you are struggling with breaking negative patterns in your romantic relationships or other situations, you may benefit from talking to a counselor. Professional support can help individuals to deal with identifying patterns, examining the root causes of these patterns, and dealing with the consequences and emotions relating to a change.

Nancy Travers, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, specializes in all types of relationships; dating, existing relationships, family relationships, and relationships with friends and business relationships. She also helps her clients overcome anxiety and depression through talk therapy as well as through hypnosis. What sets her apart from many other counselors is that she has counseled in the gay/lesbian community for over 10 years. She also has experience counseling families with elder care issues. Nancy has been in practice for over 19 years and can provide you with the tools you need to approach dating and relationships with confidence.

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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)
» left by Amanda Liesinger 117 days 2 hours ago.
22 fans.
Thank you very much for sharing this article. I found it extremely helpful with a negative repetitive action that I am currently struggling with.
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