Speak Out: How to Ensure Your Needs Are Being Met in a Relationship
Posted: Wednesday, January 25, 2012
by Nancy Travers
Nancy's Counseling Corner
When we enter relationships, we do so with the knowledge that we will be providing the person with emotional commodities and that they will be doing the same for us. Every relationship is filled with needs. Each individual will have different needs, and each relationship will provide different solutions for meeting them.
Most of us can quickly identify needs that our romantic relationships meet. These are usually the need for connection, love, and physical intimacy. However, this is rarely the sum total of all of the needs that we experience on a daily basis. When we have needs that are not being met, we can feel like our relationship is not as strong as it should be.
1. Identify your needs. Each person in a relationship will require certain things from their partner. Think about what you need to thrive with your significant other. It may help you to make a list. Be thorough as you examine this. Consider everything you might need in a relationship, a home, and a routine. Do you need your partner to comfort you more often, or to give you space? Is it important to you that you and your partner have the same views toward clutter and household chores?
2. Consider every need that you have on your list. Which needs are being met, and which ones are not? As you examine each item that you have listed, think about how they are being met as well. Remember that no one person can meet each and every one of your needs. Keep in mind that your partner may not be meeting all of your needs, but you may have a friend who serves a similar function. (You might need someone to listen to you vent, and your partner might not be up to par on that one; however, your best friend can serve this purpose.)
3. Re-examine your needs that are going unmet. Before you give your partner an extensive list of work to be done, consider how you can meet these needs yourself. Honoring your own needs often results in feelings of control and confidence. There is a way that you can contribute to just about everything on your list. For example, if you feel that you need to spend more time alone with your partner, think about the ways that you can initiate this; plan a day for just the two of you, and then surprise your partner. You’ll likely feel empowered when the day goes well. If your needs can be met alone, such as gaining a higher level of confidence, think about ways that you can accomplish this. As you depend less on your partner, you both will feel less burdened in the relationship, and may find that your relationship improves.
4. Communicate with your partner. Everyone will have needs that they cannot meet alone. Talk to your partner about these. It may be best to set aside a specific time to tackle the subject. Go through your list of needs that you require help to meet. Don’t be judgmental during this process. Remember, if you do not tell someone what you need, how will they know? Work out a plan together, and grow from there.
Some people or couples may need or want to seek out the help of a counselor during this process. A counselor is able to work with individuals to discover needs, find ways to meet these needs, and to begin the communication process with their romantic partner. Couples may choose to work with a counselor as a mediator for these conversations, and to add guidance as they work together.
This Article has been viewed 448 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Hi Nancy,
So often, I hear people expecting to get all of their wants and needs met by their partner resulting in a pattern of thwarted expectations. These kinds of expectations are way too much for any one person to meet.
I like that you give alternative examples of how to get your needs met. The problem, as I see it, isn't in having the wants and needs, the problem lies in expecting your partner to meet all of those wants and needs.
I really like this article. Thank you for writing about such an important topic.
Kind regards, Dawn
I don't know if human selfish nature can be set aside to try to met the need of or couple, but certainly is worth the try!
Hi Nancy,
Love the article. Going through this very topic right now in my relationship with my fianc.. Thanks for the tips. I get it that our partners can't be everything for us, but what happens if one person isn't getting the connection, love, and physical intimacy? That relationship is no longer special and above all others when it's exactly the same as any of your other friendships. The more I put my requests out there and they're being ignored, the further I pull away. Vicious circle, I tell ya!
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.